How am I meant to sleep, knowing what pain I’ve caused everyone?

I’d put a ‘see more’ thing before this, but I can’t because I’m on my phone..

As you know, mum knows nothing of my self harm and shit, so yeah..

Mum just snuck into my room, so I pretended I was asleep. She grabbed my arm, checked my pulse and bursted out into tears. I turned and looked at her, and she was in so much agony. She said “Why are you doing this to yourself? It never gets that bad! Ever! I can’t sleep because I’m worried you’ll try to kill yourself again.. How can I trust you won’t do it? How? I love you, don’t do this to yourself, it’s not like you baby.” she gave me a kiss, the biggest hug and left.

Fuck, I can’t take that look in her eyes, she died in front of me. I’ve never seen her like that before. She woke me up to what’s being going on. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I can’t stop crying. I love her so much, and the realisation that this is hurting her is so fucking horrible. I can’t breathe. I literally am so manic. Help.